A Conversation with the Wind
Watercolour, 2019 October, 30 Day Spiritual Exercise at the Seven Fountains, Chiang Mai
The Wind is tapping on my window, and I hurry out to greet it.
There it is – swinging through the treetops, whispering the forgotten tales from one tree to another, its hushed voice awakening the tree leaves as the young saplings sway in the Wind. The ancient trees rustle and chortle, as the Wind dances through their leaves on its deft, nimble feet, humming the melody of a distant lullaby, carrying the scent of the places it has passed through.
What secret wisdom is the Wind ruminating on today?
All around me, the leaves are falling, descending in a slow fluttering ballet of swirling, twirling yellow and green. I feel my insides fluttering along, swirling within. Oh, what is this beautiful thing that is happening? Somewhere deep inside me, something rouses. And I feel myself coming alive.
When the stirring Wind passes by, the trees let go of their leaves. Letting go is what trees do to live. The trees are teaching me the beauty of surrender.
So much of life’s journey is a letting go; a surrendering of the leaves of the old me.
So much of life’s journey is an unlearning —
Unlearning of the striving to prove myself worthy, of the wrestling to control life on my terms,
Shedding my outer shells and masks with their frayed and worn-out edges,
Surrendering my deep-seated fears of losing that something precious I cannot quite name yet,
Forgiving the past hurts and pains in my story and discovering that forgiving myself is the hardest of the lot,
Letting go of wanting to be my own god.
The Wind blows where it wishes…
… and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.
John 3:8
The Wind blows where it wishes — sometimes a gentle breeze, sometimes a howling tempest. I am young, and so I know everything. But the Wind finds me wherever I am. It scatters my neatly tied up little bundles of dreams, expectations and entitlements. My carefully packaged life is no more. It is hard to believe there is meaning in this wind-swept chaos that is my life. It is hard to think this unravelling makes sense. It is hard to exchange my tightly clenched fists for open hands that receive as they let go. I am young, and so I dream of all the places I would go and all the sights I would see. What if I grow up and discover none of it happened and my dreams have slipped through my fingers like melting snowflakes? What if I wake up one day with white hair, wrinkled skin and find that I have been too afraid to pursue my dreams and my life has passed me by? I am young and I pretend I know it all.
Could this be an unlearning of myself to learn to walk by faith and not by sight? When I let go, I step out into the unknown and face the fears of my future. When I let go, I must trust and have the full faith that spring will come, and new leaves will burst forth, even if I cannot see them yet. It is not about a clarity of sight but about a relentless trust in Him.
Mother Teresa once said to someone who travelled thousand of miles to her in search of clarity, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God.”
I cannot pass from today to tomorrow without going through the night. The chilling Wind howls through the undulating landscape, echoing songs of forgotten dreams of youth, lost battles and sorrows. What if I close my eyes and lean on Jesus, to be led through the night across unknown terrains and trust in the only true Guide? I can believe in His goodness that invites me to the fullness of life, even if the journey by night might seem as haphazard as the Wind. I can trust that He knows the way, even if I don’t know it.
What if the very state of not knowing, of surrendering my desire to control my life, of being helpless, of being surprised by life — is what makes me human? What if being buffeted by the winds of change, tossed out of my skin, shaken and rattled down to my bones, whipped and stung at with the pains of life, plunged into worries and anxieties, to be brought to soar with joy — is what makes a romance? In this journey of unknowing, all I need to know is Jesus who holds my hands and holds my heart. He is the Lord and there is nothing to fear when He is always with me. Could this be an unlearning of myself to discover His love for me that remains in spite of it all?
There was a time when I would subconsciously (or consciously) push away the friends I love with my callous words and insensitive actions because I was so afraid they would abandon me first if they find out how ugly I really am on the inside. I found myself with my hands full of broken relationships and my heart in tattered ruins. Yet, Divine Love calls out to me in the sound of a low whisper, when I am quiet enough to hear Him in the depths of my heart.
The gentle breeze of a Divine Love who is waiting for me to let go of my primal fears, to shed my layers of protective shells, to hear Him call me forgiven, beautiful and beloved.
Could this be an unlearning of myself to grow up into Him, and His love for me?
The Divine Love who is like the air I breathe. He is there for me even when I cannot see Him. He is present with me even when I am not thinking about Him. The Divine Love is the air in each breath I take, the breath I cannot live without. It is the Divine Breath who gives me life.
The Wind blows where it wishes. I step into it and breathe it in as it caresses my cheeks softly. I want to go with the Wind like the leaves, to be stirring, yielding to the slightest ebbs and flows of the Divine Breeze, as Jesus was abandoned to the Divine Breath who gives us Life.
The Wind blows where it wishes.
All around me, the leaves are falling, descending in a slow fluttering ballet of swirling, twirling yellow and green, saying goodbye to what was before, in order to welcome what is to come.
I feel my insides fluttering along, stirring within, coming alive.
As the falling leaves clear, I see the sky above and the earth below.
